Day 6

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

When I read this question the very first time I automatically thought, Childbirth!  But NOPE, the hardest thing I've experienced doesn't even come close to that. 

About the time of my wedding in 2008 I started getting agitated about little stuff.  I seemed to overreact about mostly everything.  Eric and I were married June 13th, 2008........ then everything seemed to go downhill fast!!!

I didn't realize it but at the time I had depression.  I'm not sure why I got it.  I am genetically dispositioned to get it, but maybe just the stress of planning the wedding all by myself did it.  I don't know.  All my life I always thought I was safe from getting it.  I have a happy, bubbly disposition and figured it would never touch me.

 I started panicking easily.  If I couldn't get hold of Eric the first or second time I called, I would freak out..... start to cry because I thought something had happened to him on hte farm. 

I was in such a deep, dark place but I truly didn't even think to consider that I had depression.  The onset of everything happened right when I got married so I thought with everything in me that it was because I married the wrong guy.  Obviously he was the wrong guy if he was making my life so miserable.  Every mistake he made (which I know we all make mistakes all the time) was amplified by 1000.  I would cry all the way to work in the morning and all the way home.  I spent many an hour on my knees pleading to the Lord to get me out of my marriage or learn to live unhappily. 

Then I started praying fervently to Heavenly Father to put love in my heart for Eric.  Again, I was in such a dark place and truly felt like it was Eric's fault.  I talked to my parent's a couple times, and my sisters about this and they were such good listeners and support.  They even talked me out of divorce a few times.  I wanted to be happy again so desperately. 

On February 14, 2009 we were scheduled to be sealed for time and all eternity.  It almost exactly matched Eric's baptismal date a year previous.  Deep down, I didn't want to do it.  I felt like every day was such a struggle to have to stay with him, why would I want an eternity.  I prayed and prayed.... then prayed some more and felt compelled to go through with it. 

For that day, the first time in a little less than a year.... the fog in my head was lifted.  Staring at Eric in the temple that day felt sooo right and I felt so in love with him. 

Something that I can only explain as a miracle and a huge blessing from the Lord happened that day.  My depression didn't magically go away but it shifted itself.  Eric became that boy that I had fallen in love with in the first place and our marriage improved every single day.  The depression then manifested itself in the form of anxiety. 

The anxiety wasn't ruling my life then, it was just present.  It wasn't till our house was broken into that August that fear started running my life. 

Anyway, long story short..... I was seriously OUT. OF. MY. MIND. scared all the flippin' time.  I finally knew that I needed some help.  This is why I'm so sooo sooooo grateful for modern medicine and knowledgeable doctors.  Things had improved sooooooo dramatically after our sealing but I didn't even know how low I'd gone.  After I got some help, things with Eric took another HUGE jump for the better!!  I had more energy, love, vivaciousness for life, and sparkle that I knew what to do with.  My old self was back, and it had taken that long!!! 

Eric would remark often after those first few weeks, "Wow, I love that medicine!"  The girl that he had fallen in love with in the beginning was FINALLY back! 

This was definitely the most trying and difficult experience I've ever had to go through but I feel like i gained so much from it.  I prayed soooo hard and sooo often because I knew that Christ had felt what I felt and I was not alone because I had Him.  Because of that I became closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have. My love and appreciation for my wonderful, patient husband grew bounds and bounds when I could see clearly!  How in the heck did he ever deal with me?  It must have been soooo difficult for him as well.  He must have been thinking he wanted a divorce just as much as I was.  Haha. 

My perception of life changed a lot in that time as well.  I see people differently........ nobody on the outside would know what I was going through unless I talked to them about it and I know that's probably the case for some many others.  We never know what somebody else is going through....... it's made me want to be a better friend, a better sister, a better mother, a better wife!