There's no nice way to put this...... yesterday was MISERABLE!!! From the minute my kids woke up (which was entirely TOO early in the morning for me) I was in high gear all day because when one of them wasn't crying.... the other one was. Sadie was ultra grumpy and Peyton was even worse. All day long I kept thinking, "I really need a nanny." I just felt like i didn't have enough arms, heads and legs to keep everyone happy. And it seemed even worse because I don't have family close enough to just call to take the chilluns off my hands for an hour and the hubster was out in teh fields all day yesterday....... and into the night.
I thought I was a patient mommy.... until now. Sheesh, and nothing is more frustrating than wanting to be the best mommy ever and not being able to spread myself thin enough to give the individual attention to them that they so desperatley want.
At the end of the night, I got the kids all ready for bed and kept thinking about all those little things I hadn't done...... hadn't given either kid a bath for at least two days now, didn't change the pillowcase that Sadie had completely saturated with spit the night before, my house was a disaster area, hadn't written emails back to people for my calling, etc etc etc. I failed miserably!! I contemplated and wondered how I was ever going to make it through these young years. I felt horrible and like such a horrible mommy..... I felt depleted and knew that I would never ever be able to just have time for myself..... at least for a few years.
Today was another day! I came into today with the mindset that I just need to make it through one day at a time. Well, I'm doing more than making it today..... I'm really enjoying it. I was finally able to get a shower in.... since it's raining and Eric didn't have to rush back outside to work in the fields. Sadie and Peyton got baths bright and early today and I even put my makeup on. Whoah. Nobody has cried all day, and it's even 2. Both babies are napping..... one in Eric's arms and right now I just feel so blessed. One day I'm going to miss these days soooo much! i know I will have hard days ahead of me but I hope I always remember to live for this moment! I'm only one person, I will never be perfect and get everything done that I need to and I'm ok with that.
Today my house looks like this. Peyton's birthday presents are strewn from every corner in our house.
I will go power clean when I'm done writing this until Peyton wakes up.
“…the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make…I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of [my children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.”
--Anna Quindlen
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